5 Ways You’re Messing Your Life Up Right Now
(And What To Do About It)
People come to see me to talk about their worst life issues. It’s great! I absolutely love my job. As a coach and expert on self-love, I have trained my brain to seek simple, long-lasting solutions to help my clients live happier lives.
However, it isn’t a single coaching session that isn’t going to change your life.
It’s you.
You are the driving force for change and growth in your life. If that sounds terrifying to you, read on: I’ll share with you the top 5 ways I see people messing up their lives.
1. There is too much going on in your life right now
I get it, you’re busy. We all are.
But we’re all given the same 24 hours every day, so why is it that some of us are slaying their goals, and living their best lives — whilst others are drowning in endless to-do lists, and dreading their morning alarm?
From what I’ve seen, it’s one of two things:
- You don’t know how to prioritise;
- You are stuck in a “I have to do it all on my own” pattern.
You don’t know how to prioritise
What is really important to you? Whether it’s time with your family, pottery or spending time in nature, why can’t you find the time to do it?
You may be stuck in commitments and obligations that are no longer aligned with your bigger vision for your life. You may have agreed to do things that you (honestly) would rather not have to do, because you find it hard to say ‘no’, or feel that you have to live up to people’s expectations of you.
However, I believe that you are meant to enjoy each and every second of your day, and that learning when to say ‘no’, and when to say ‘yes’ is essential for the sake of your own well-being.
When you learn to set healthy boundaries, do what brings you happiness, and find that sweet spot between obligations and pleasures, you learn once again how to find joy and satisfaction in your everyday activities.
So, refuse. Unsubscribe and unfollow — seriously, unfollow everyone in your feed who’s ever posted something negative, and see what difference it makes to your day. Delegate. Plan ahead. Do what is most important and most urgent first. Do something fun every day.
In short, simplify your life, and take the time to do what you really love to do.
You are stuck in a “I have to do it all on my own” pattern
If you’re an organised high-achiever, you’re likely used to doing everything yourself, because ‘it’s easier that way’: you don’t have to explain how to perform a task to your partner, and you don’t have to check afterwards if they did it correctly (and if not, do it all over again.)
The deeper issue here, I have found, is that you may see receiving support as a form of weakness, and may justify the little, low-quality support that you do receive as a justification.
It may also be that you do everything: emptying the dishwasher, folding the washing, cleaning the windows, walking the dog, organising that party, etc. — in hope of being recognised, praised and loved.
The downside to that is that you end up doing more and more, and your flatmates doing less and less, without even thanking you for what you do, the ungrateful weasels.
Know this: giving is an act of love. Have you ever given a gift to a loved one, baked a batch of cookies for your lonely neighbour, or held the door open for a stranger? Did you notice how good it made you feel? So, why would you deny someone the privilege to feel the same way by refusing their support?
2. You’re so focused on your next goal that you forget where you are, right now
We are constantly bombarded by ads and clever marketing tricks that encourage us to buy more, become more, work harder to get what we want, and therefore, to be happy.
And so, happiness becomes a never-ending cycle that trains your mind to focus solely on that brighter future of yours— which suits your mind very well, because your very nature is to grow and expand, to reach your next level.
If you train your mind to think that you’ll be happy only when you get that promotion, because then, you’ll be able to afford a bigger house and start thinking about kids, you’re teaching yourself that happiness is a fleeting sensation, briefly felt when you achieve a goal, until you move on to the next one.
Deep down, you know that you were never meant to stay in your comfort zone, that it is actually quite fun to grow and expand, and make the most out of life.
But you can be happy now.
And that is what makes the difference between criticising yourself for not having more money in the bank, hating others born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and changing your life in anger and resentment despite yourself…
And accepting where you’re at right now, feeling grateful for what you already have, and loving yourself enough to make necessary changes in your life. Can you feel the difference?
Train yourself to fully be in the present moment; it is, after all, inevitable. Train yourself to appreciate the beauty and the abundance and the joy that surround you already. And rest.
Focus on feeling good — or at least, better, all day every day. From that space, get inspired about your next goal. From that space, and from that space only, take action.
3. You think you suck at life
Slow down your breathing, connect with yourself, and answer the following questions:
- What are the things that make me feel most alive?
- What do I do most naturally?
- When am I at my happiest?
- What is my purpose?
Your answers are likely to connect you with what you want the most, which is, beyond the material stuff, the way you want to feel every day.
Your answers are also very likely to mention that you want to help other people, one way or another. You may dream of opening a rehab centre, becoming a counsellor, coaching couples who go through miscarriage, etc.
Now, if you don’t believe in yourself and in your dreams, nobody will do it for you. If you think that you suck at life, if you struggle to look at yourself in the mirror without cringing, if you wake up every morning hating your body or your life, you’re not going to go very far in your life.
Before you save the world, save yourself. Before you love the world, love yourself.
Self-love is the most significant, eye-opening journey you will ever embark on.
And if you’re serious about launching those retreats for overstressed mums, you will first need to learn self-love, self-acceptance and self-expression.
4. You know what you want, but you’re not taking action
You have dreams, wishes, desires, expectations. Even if it’s nothing specific, you certainly wish for more money, more time, more energy, more joy, more something.
So, you know what you want, but it may so big, unreasonable or unattainable that you don’t know where to start. And so you don’t.
Enter our friends: procrastination and self-sabotage. When you think about what you truly want, how do you feel? Is there any fear?
Do you truly feel that you deserve to live this exciting, satisfying, abundant life, that you can achieve it?
I mean, what would your friends and family say? Worse, what if you fail? Your current life isn’t that bad after all, isn’t it?
Your subconscious mind governs much of your thoughts. This is why it is essential for you to become aware of your fears, worries and limiting beliefs, and to tell yourself a new story, one of hope, self-worth and inspiration.
From here, take it one action at a time, whether it’s sending that email, printing those business cards, or hiring that coach.
And when things get tough (and they will!), remember why you’re doing this, and just keep going.
5. You’re surrounded by idiots
Your inner circle is your support system. Ever heard that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with? If your inner circle is weak, made of naysayers and put-downers, and if you don’t believe in yourself, you’re likely to give up as soon as things get tough.
Consider who’s in your inner circle. If you were to share your wildest dream with each one of them, who would believe in, and encourage you?
And who would advise you to perhaps err on the side of caution, or remind you of your cousin who started his own business, and lost everything he had?
If you don’t strongly believe in your own capacity to achieve anything you set your mind to, you will take on other people’s fears and worries and regrets, because they will resonate with your own fears.
Be careful who you share your dreams and aspirations with, especially if you’re just starting to take action. If you just launched your startup, and you know that, next time you call your mum, she will ask you if you’ve made any money yet, don’t call your mum. Just wait until you’ve got your first client (or avoid the topic!).
I believe that self-love is the foundation of one’s journey to self-development.
Obviously, you need to love yourself, because you’re going to have to spend the rest of your life with, well, you — so you might as well make it a fun and easy journey for yourself.
But here’s the thing: you need to love yourself, because when you do, you know that you have a purpose, goals to achieve, people to help, a message to share.
And you can’t do any of that if you hate yourself, if you are terrified of shining your light, or if you’re afraid of being judged. Self-love becomes essential, then, because it’ll help you to see that you are worthy of more.
